Welcome 2013

It's my favorite time of the year - the end. And the beginning.

While I typically live my life in a constant state of evaluation and planning (with a lot of practice at being present thrown in for good measure) the New Year's holiday gives me extra permission to reflect and anticipate. And with that extra permission... bullets!

Reflection:

• Looking back, 2012 was my year for finding solid ground.
• After being in a constant state of flux since my move back to Florida in 2009, I'm finally feeling grounded, centered, settled, and dare I even say... rooted. I have roots, y'all.
• Just to recap: flux (in no particular order) = a three year process of reconfiguring/redefining my professional life, meeting/falling in love/marrying S, buying a house, moving three times since moving back to Florida and prior to buying said house, a miscarriage, a gut-wrenching process of coming to terms with infertility, watching two of my three bridesmaids (one on my side of the family/one on S's side of the family) go through divorce while trying to establish and define our own marriage, watching my father go through a very scary open-heart surgery, watching my family struggle financially, watching S's family struggle in a way I'm not really comfortable going into here, having my social life change drastically from being single with good friends in California to being married with acquaintances I rarely see in Florida... the list goes on and on.
• While 2012 did not necessarily see a resolution to everything I listed above, in the midst of it all I stumbled upon peace and acceptance and a level of trust in my marriage that existed in theory at the beginning but has now been tested and proven in a way that can only happen by actually going through that kind of stuff.
• This is not to say I feel like we've reached a place of marriage perfection - mostly because I do not believe that place exists. I spend a lot of time considering the dissolution of marriage due to both those who are close to us who are going through the process and due to clients I work with. I've come to the conclusion that in order to have a successful marriage you have to both understand that nothing, and I mean nothing in this life is guaranteed and at the same time you can't be afraid of that fact. It's what keeps you grateful for what you have in the moment without becoming arrogant, lazy, or acting out of fear.
• I laughed a lot in 2012. I want to laugh more in 2013.
• I found a niche in my work. I found a way to combine my education with work that is more lucrative and I finally have projects that I am proud of and am looking forward to seeing those projects through in the new year.
• I became a part of an amazing online community of women and will have the privilege of meeting one of them in Chicago in January.
• For years I used to dread finding plans for New Year's Eve. It always felt as if it should be something epic but it always ended up being meh. I am so grateful to be a place in my life where I am totally content with having family over, grilling out, playing games and being very much not epic. Man, what a relief.

Anticipating:

• I will start out 2013 with another IUI. This time with injectables (stronger medication than my last IUI). My new Reproductive Endocrinologist talked me into doing at least one more IUI before moving on to IVF. She looked over my response to my first and only IUI over the summer and said that I responded beautifully... it just didn't result in pregnancy. She thinks we should try to tweak a few things before going for the big guns.
• If that doesn't take then we will be moving forward with IVF.
• 2013 is going to be a scary year. This will be the year that we find out if we will be able to have biological children or if we will need to start considering other options.
• While I've reached a greater sense of peace that I will be ok with whatever life has in store... I cannot lie, I want biological children. So very much.
• I'm scared to go through the next few steps. The stakes are just so much higher and the possibility for disappointment will be great.
• And I will need to navigate all of this while still being present and on-the-ball for work.
• Sinking into depression is just not an option for me.
• Outside of trying to grow our family, 2013 will be the year of trying to get a better handle on finances.
• We make plenty of money and for that I am grateful. But we could stand to do better with our money management. Especially with either more fertility treatments or (God willing) pregnancy and parenting in our future.
• Like I said above, I want to laugh more in 2013. I think that is a worthy goal.
• I also hope to see those in my life who are struggling find some relief and even some joy.
• Peace, Love, Joy, Laughter and Miracles. This is what I look forward to in 2013. 

Roundup

Here are some pics from my brother's graduation:

We'll start with my favorite.

We drove all through the night to make it for the traditional 7am Motivational Run the day before graduation. There were many times on that 6-plus hour drive that I questioned how important it was to be there early enough to *maybe* see him run by. It was cold, we were tired, and then it happened. Excited family members from all over the country lined up along the route and cheered as hundreds of young men and women (in the coolest track suits I've ever seen) sweated out their last run in boot camp/first run as marines. Catching that first glimpse of him was well worth the long ass drive (but you better believe I made him aware of how much sleep I sacrificed. As you can imagine, he was thoroughly unimpressed). I was so incredibly stoked to catch this picture of him. That giant white head in the middle of the picture? That's my brother.

7am Motivational Run

Here's another great picture. My tired nana waiting to cheer on her grandson.

We all had a good laugh at her expense.

My little fashonista niece walking around base on Family Day.

The headless woman is my sister-in-law. What? I was tired.                                         

Somebody please caption this picture for me. The one in camo is my littlest brother. The one with the Barbie Doll in his back pocket is my brother, Mark.

And finally, a goofy pic of Mason right after graduation. I swear, this kid hasn't stopped wearing his uniforms since he got home. Chicks dig uniforms. Obvs.

So skinny!

Half-baked

Here we are! Post number two for November. Where's my prize?

You have no idea how much I long to sit down and write a really thoughtful essay on some meaningful topic like feminism and, well, any aspect of my current life (marriage, infertility, work) but instead I'm afraid that all my thoughts are half-baked. Not to mention the fact that I am lazy to the core and that doesn't bode well for thoughtful writing.

So, bullets:

• Late tonight we will hit the road for Parris Island where I will watch my baby brother graduate as a Marine.
• Holy shit. 
• I am simultaneously incredibly proud and in a huge state of denial about what his future may have in store.
• My current food obsession is banh mi. I'm eating one now.
• We have decided to go the IVF route in February. 
• This will cost us more money than the downpayment for our home.
• And it's really like only a 40% chance it will work on the first try.
• I'm not crazy about those odds, but what can we do?
• After two years it is apparent that neither the natural nor the pseudo natural route is cutting it.
• Prepare yourselves for anxious posts filled with way too much information.
• Who am I kidding, I think I officially have one reader. Maybe two.
• So I can write whatever the hell I want!
• With this latest turn of events, my career plans have had to take a turn as well.
• Where as I was thisclose to living my dream of full time private practice (which also included the dream of a flexible schedule that allowed me to be the primary caregiver for our future child), I am now looking at a never-ending stint in the confines of corporate america (with a little private practice on the side).
• How else will we pay for IVF #2 or #3 if IVF #1 is big, fat failure?
• This past weekend I had the house to myself for roughly 20 hours. 
• That was the first time I have had the house to myself overnight since we were married.
• This is not to say that we haven't spent plenty of time apart.
• It's just that this was the first time I was home alone and S was out of town.
• It was glorious. 
• There's not much I miss from single life. In fact, I am quite proud of how thoroughly I lived out my single years. BUT, I do miss having the house to myself. 
• Lastly, a picture:

Inspired (for today)

Ceri's participation in NaBloPoMo has inspired me to post. I know the purpose of NaBloPoMo is to post every day during the month of November but I have set the bar for myself much, much lower. Like, I wonder if I can post twice this month? That would be CRAZY.

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Bullets!

• Florida has actually had some pleasantly seasonal weather lately. I approve.
• Florida also went to Obama. I doubly approve.
• I disabled my Facebook account a while back. Mostly it was to avoid provoking political posts... from my MOM. And also from high school friends who seem to be overwhelmingly conservative.
• I thought I would come back after the election but I found out how much I really like, no, LOVE not being on Facebook.
• And it's not just about politics. FB just triggered my constantly present sense of guilt. Everytime I would look through my feed I would feel guilty for all sorts of things, like:
• Not responding to a high school classmate's lamenting about her awful ex-husband and their never ending custody battle. Shouldn't I care more? Shouldn't I show support by offering a comforting comment on her status update? Never mind that we were never more than acquaintances in high school and beyond. I should be emotionally invested in her struggle, right?
• Not being a better friend. Period. My feed was littered with one time super close friends who are now people I still genuinely care for and wish the best for but we just don't have that same connection anymore. That's my fault, right? Surely it is. Never mind that these same people don't make an attempt to connect with me on any significant level, either. And never mind that drifting apart is a normal part of life... somehow I always end up feeling like I am a failure at friendship.
• Not being authentic and "real". I found myself only posting positive or neutral status updates. I couldn't bring myself to be anymore than one dimensional because it just felt unnatural to share all aspects of me on that kind of a forum. And when I don't share all aspects of me I feel like I am lying and lying makes me feel...guilty.
• Clearly, I have some guilt issues to work through. But disabling my Facebook account is so much easier. Of course, I do have some feelings of guilt by not having an active FB account. I'm probably missing out on important life events of people that I do really care about because FB is the only place I would likely hear about those events. But that guilt is a little easier to live with.
• As the year starts to wind down I am reminded that S and I are headed towards our 2nd anniversary. This second year has been SO much better than the first. Not that the first was bad, it's just the second has been way better. I find a lot of comfort in that. I was always afraid of the idea of dying a slow death in the confines of marriage. I love proving myself wrong.
• I am now currently 6 lbs away from being at my "perfect" BMI.
• I miss cookies.
• The cookies are what did me in.

Welcoming the 'ber months

Tomorrow is 'ber day. The beginning of the last four months of the year (all ending in 'ber). My mom has always made a point of wishing everyone a "Happy 'ber Day!" and it's a tradition I plan to carry on myself.

September will be a month of planning and anticipation.

October will be a month of traveling for work, traveling for fun (going to Vegas to celebrate S's birthday! Woo!) and hosting a Halloween Trick-or-Treat party for all the little ones in my family.

November will mean going to South Carolina to see my brother graduate from boot camp, and, of course, Thanksgiving.

December? Christmas and New Year's, obvs.

Woven throughout all the coming festivities will be the constant one-foot-in-front-of-the-othering as we try, try, try to grow our family. It's a difficult balance when trying to fully embrace all that the 'ber months have to offer while having to constantly think about cycles, fertility treatments, what-ifs, and what-nexts. But balance is what I'm aiming for.

Happy (almost) 'ber day, everyone! What do the 'ber months have in store for you?

Blahgust

Waiting for Isaac and all his underwhelmingness.

August is typically my least favorite month of the year.

I have learned to accept this.

I no longer lament how boring August is nor do I strive to make it something that it's not.

I just accept it for what it is.

So, for now, bullets:

• Hurricane Isaac was no big thang. Sorry for anyone out there who does take a beating.
• Have you noticed that I am attempting to use appropriate capitalization?
• Maybe soon I will attempt appropriate grammar.
• I know it sounds ridiculous, but using appropriate capitalization when blogging or Facebooking makes me feel like I am taking myself way too seriously.
• Did you notice that Izzy got a haircut? Doesn't she look silly? I miss her crazy hair. But I do not miss the extra dirt and fur balls that come along with it. 
• Even still, we are letting it grow out.
• Tonight we are having curry chickpeas with acorn squash and garlic naan.
• The naan is rising now.
• I could eat that ish all day every day. S, on the other hand, gets bored with it quick.
• My baby brother leaves for bootcamp (Marines) sometime tomorrow.
• I would cry if I thought about it hard enough. Instead I'm trying to just look forward to seeing him graduate in November. 
• We have become crazy Big Brother fans. 
• I never thought I would type that sentence. 
• It's true, though. We even watch Big Brother After Dark. I think it might make August a bit more bearable. 
• I am struck by how absolutely boring this post is. 
• That's ok. I'm just trying to get myself back into the habit of blogging. 
• It'll do for now.

speaking of long, winding roads

catching bubbles

this past weekend we celebrated my niece's 2nd birthday.

two years ago this thursday, i had the privilege of watching her come into this world. it was a very bitter-sweet experience for me. on one hand there was the beauty of watching a new life enter into the world and the joy of watching my brother become a dad. on the other, i was experiencing mid-cycle bleeding for the second time in a handful of months and absolutely freaked out about how my body was behaving. i was at a place in life where having children was finally a possibility for me and suddenly my cycles had become unpredictable. awesome.

and yet... a month later, i was pregnant!

and then a month and a half after that, i wasn't.

and today? still not a mom.

after miscarrying and the subsequent D&C procedure, i started experiencing pelvic pain. at first i tried to soothe myself with the thought that my body was just a little "off" due to the miscarriage. but the pain kept coming back, cycle after wonky cycle. i began to suspect endometriosis. over the next year i took my suspicions to three different ob/gyns. all of them told me that i was worried for nothing, if i had endometriosis i would know i had endometriosis. the pain would be so bad that i wouldn't be able to function. that's what they said, anyway. when i explained that i had mid-cycle bleeding twice before getting pregnant, one even told me women have weird cycles all of the time. sometimes they are weird for a year and then go back to normal. your body isn't a machine, you know. every doctor sort of patted me on the head and acted as if i was just an emotional basket case because i wanted to get pregnant. i wonder now if i would have had a different experience if any of those doctors were women.

finally, at the beginning of this year i made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist who specialized in endometriosis. he diagnosed me via ultrasound that very first appointment. i had surgery in march. stage II endo (not the worst) but enough that it was definitely interfering with my cycles and with getting pregnant. it was obvious i had endometriosis far before i ever experienced symptoms. and the pain? one of my ovaries was tethered to the side wall by scar tissue. S tried to relate to the pain by comparing it to having a testicle tethered to the inside of his leg. i'm thinking that's pretty accurate.

the good news, i finally had a diagnosis. and now a dvd  of the surgery showing me how the endometriosis was removed.

the bad news, endometriosis does a number on your ovarian reserves. of which mine appears to be diminished. yay.

prognosis: biological children - definitely still possible. but also not a guarantee. my RE seems pretty confident. i am too. on most days. some days, not so much.

in my most fearful moments, i try to remember that long, winding roads have been very good to me. it was a long, winding road that led me to my husband, after all. and that road has paid off in spades. and there really is something about taking the long way to the things that are most important. it helps to strip away all of my immature expectations and distill my desires down to the most basic and pure. it also has a way of making me so much more grateful for things that, had they come easily, i am sure i would take for granted.

so onward, i go. swallowing supplements, going to acupuncture, drinking wheat grass, and learning to take an active role in my treatment. i no longer blindly trust medical professionals (oh, the stories i could tell...). i do my own research. i keep my mind open but i also trust my instincts. i have one foot in the world of western medical interventions and one foot in the world of alternative medicine. and i have many mantras. one of them is "intentions, not expectations". i have to continually remind myself that my intention is to parent children with S. and i have to continually remind myself to not have expectations of how or when that will come about.

one foot in front of the other. doing my best to embrace it all.