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| catching bubbles |
two years ago this thursday, i had the privilege of watching her come into this world. it was a very bitter-sweet experience for me. on one hand there was the beauty of watching a new life enter into the world and the joy of watching my brother become a dad. on the other, i was experiencing mid-cycle bleeding for the second time in a handful of months and absolutely freaked out about how my body was behaving. i was at a place in life where having children was finally a possibility for me and suddenly my cycles had become unpredictable. awesome.
and yet... a month later, i was pregnant!
and then a month and a half after that, i wasn't.
and today? still not a mom.
after miscarrying and the subsequent D&C procedure, i started experiencing pelvic pain. at first i tried to soothe myself with the thought that my body was just a little "off" due to the miscarriage. but the pain kept coming back, cycle after wonky cycle. i began to suspect endometriosis. over the next year i took my suspicions to three different ob/gyns. all of them told me that i was worried for nothing, if i had endometriosis i would know i had endometriosis. the pain would be so bad that i wouldn't be able to function. that's what they said, anyway. when i explained that i had mid-cycle bleeding twice before getting pregnant, one even told me women have weird cycles all of the time. sometimes they are weird for a year and then go back to normal. your body isn't a machine, you know. every doctor sort of patted me on the head and acted as if i was just an emotional basket case because i wanted to get pregnant. i wonder now if i would have had a different experience if any of those doctors were women.
finally, at the beginning of this year i made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist who specialized in endometriosis. he diagnosed me via ultrasound that very first appointment. i had surgery in march. stage II endo (not the worst) but enough that it was definitely interfering with my cycles and with getting pregnant. it was obvious i had endometriosis far before i ever experienced symptoms. and the pain? one of my ovaries was tethered to the side wall by scar tissue. S tried to relate to the pain by comparing it to having a testicle tethered to the inside of his leg. i'm thinking that's pretty accurate.
the good news, i finally had a diagnosis. and now a dvd of the surgery showing me how the endometriosis was removed.
the bad news, endometriosis does a number on your ovarian reserves. of which mine appears to be diminished. yay.
prognosis: biological children - definitely still possible. but also not a guarantee. my RE seems pretty confident. i am too. on most days. some days, not so much.
in my most fearful moments, i try to remember that long, winding roads have been very good to me. it was a long, winding road that led me to my husband, after all. and that road has paid off in spades. and there really is something about taking the long way to the things that are most important. it helps to strip away all of my immature expectations and distill my desires down to the most basic and pure. it also has a way of making me so much more grateful for things that, had they come easily, i am sure i would take for granted.
so onward, i go. swallowing supplements, going to acupuncture, drinking wheat grass, and learning to take an active role in my treatment. i no longer blindly trust medical professionals (oh, the stories i could tell...). i do my own research. i keep my mind open but i also trust my instincts. i have one foot in the world of western medical interventions and one foot in the world of alternative medicine. and i have many mantras. one of them is "intentions, not expectations". i have to continually remind myself that my intention is to parent children with S. and i have to continually remind myself to not have expectations of how or when that will come about.
one foot in front of the other. doing my best to embrace it all.
