While I typically live my life in a constant state of evaluation and planning (with a lot of practice at being present thrown in for good measure) the New Year's holiday gives me extra permission to reflect and anticipate. And with that extra permission... bullets!
Reflection:
- Looking back, 2012 was my year for finding solid ground.
- After being in a constant state of flux since my move back to Florida in 2009, I'm finally feeling grounded, centered, settled, and dare I even say... rooted. I have roots, y'all.
- Just to recap: flux (in no particular order) = a three year process of reconfiguring/redefining my professional life, meeting/falling in love/marrying S, buying a house, moving three times since moving back to Florida and prior to buying said house, a miscarriage, a gut-wrenching process of coming to terms with infertility, watching two of my three bridesmaids (one on my side of the family/one on S's side of the family) go through divorce while trying to establish and define our own marriage, watching my father go through a very scary open-heart surgery, watching my family struggle financially, watching S's family struggle in a way I'm not really comfortable going into here, having my social life change drastically from being single with good friends in California to being married with acquaintances I rarely see in Florida... the list goes on and on.
- While 2012 did not necessarily see a resolution to everything I listed above, in the midst of it all I stumbled upon peace and acceptance and a level of trust in my marriage that existed in theory at the beginning but has now been tested and proven in a way that can only happen by actually going through that kind of stuff.
- This is not to say I feel like we've reached a place of marriage perfection - mostly because I do not believe that place exists. I spend a lot of time considering the dissolution of marriage due to both those who are close to us who are going through the process and due to clients I work with. I've come to the conclusion that in order to have a successful marriage you have to both understand that nothing, and I mean nothing in this life is guaranteed and at the same time you can't be afraid of that fact. It's what keeps you grateful for what you have in the moment without becoming arrogant, lazy, or acting out of fear.
- I laughed a lot in 2012. I want to laugh more in 2013.
- I found a niche in my work. I found a way to combine my education with work that is more lucrative and I finally have projects that I am proud of and am looking forward to seeing those projects through in the new year.
- I became a part of an amazing online community of women and will have the privilege of meeting one of them in Chicago in January.
- For years I used to dread finding plans for New Year's Eve. It always felt as if it should be something epic but it always ended up being meh. I am so grateful to be a place in my life where I am totally content with having family over, grilling out, playing games and being very much not epic. Man, what a relief.
- I will start out 2013 with another IUI. This time with injectables (stronger medication than my last IUI). My new Reproductive Endocrinologist talked me into doing at least one more IUI before moving on to IVF. She looked over my response to my first and only IUI over the summer and said that I responded beautifully... it just didn't result in pregnancy. She thinks we should try to tweak a few things before going for the big guns.
- If that doesn't take then we will be moving forward with IVF.
- 2013 is going to be a scary year. This will be the year that we find out if we will be able to have biological children or if we will need to start considering other options.
- While I've reached a greater sense of peace that I will be ok with whatever life has in store... I cannot lie, I want biological children. So very much.
- I'm scared to go through the next few steps. The stakes are just so much higher and the possibility for disappointment will be great.
- And I will need to navigate all of this while still being present and on-the-ball for work.
- Sinking into depression is just not an option for me.
- Outside of trying to grow our family, 2013 will be the year of trying to get a better handle on finances.
- We make plenty of money and for that I am grateful. But we could stand to do better with our money management. Especially with either more fertility treatments or (God willing) pregnancy and parenting in our future.
- Like I said above, I want to laugh more in 2013. I think that is a worthy goal.
- I also hope to see those in my life who are struggling find some relief and even some joy.
- Peace, Love, Joy, Laughter and Miracles. This is what I look forward to in 2013.
