Half-baked

Here we are! Post number two for November. Where's my prize?

You have no idea how much I long to sit down and write a really thoughtful essay on some meaningful topic like feminism and, well, any aspect of my current life (marriage, infertility, work) but instead I'm afraid that all my thoughts are half-baked. Not to mention the fact that I am lazy to the core and that doesn't bode well for thoughtful writing.

So, bullets:

• Late tonight we will hit the road for Parris Island where I will watch my baby brother graduate as a Marine.
• Holy shit. 
• I am simultaneously incredibly proud and in a huge state of denial about what his future may have in store.
• My current food obsession is banh mi. I'm eating one now.
• We have decided to go the IVF route in February. 
• This will cost us more money than the downpayment for our home.
• And it's really like only a 40% chance it will work on the first try.
• I'm not crazy about those odds, but what can we do?
• After two years it is apparent that neither the natural nor the pseudo natural route is cutting it.
• Prepare yourselves for anxious posts filled with way too much information.
• Who am I kidding, I think I officially have one reader. Maybe two.
• So I can write whatever the hell I want!
• With this latest turn of events, my career plans have had to take a turn as well.
• Where as I was thisclose to living my dream of full time private practice (which also included the dream of a flexible schedule that allowed me to be the primary caregiver for our future child), I am now looking at a never-ending stint in the confines of corporate america (with a little private practice on the side).
• How else will we pay for IVF #2 or #3 if IVF #1 is big, fat failure?
• This past weekend I had the house to myself for roughly 20 hours. 
• That was the first time I have had the house to myself overnight since we were married.
• This is not to say that we haven't spent plenty of time apart.
• It's just that this was the first time I was home alone and S was out of town.
• It was glorious. 
• There's not much I miss from single life. In fact, I am quite proud of how thoroughly I lived out my single years. BUT, I do miss having the house to myself. 
• Lastly, a picture:

Inspired (for today)

Ceri's participation in NaBloPoMo has inspired me to post. I know the purpose of NaBloPoMo is to post every day during the month of November but I have set the bar for myself much, much lower. Like, I wonder if I can post twice this month? That would be CRAZY.

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Bullets!

• Florida has actually had some pleasantly seasonal weather lately. I approve.
• Florida also went to Obama. I doubly approve.
• I disabled my Facebook account a while back. Mostly it was to avoid provoking political posts... from my MOM. And also from high school friends who seem to be overwhelmingly conservative.
• I thought I would come back after the election but I found out how much I really like, no, LOVE not being on Facebook.
• And it's not just about politics. FB just triggered my constantly present sense of guilt. Everytime I would look through my feed I would feel guilty for all sorts of things, like:
• Not responding to a high school classmate's lamenting about her awful ex-husband and their never ending custody battle. Shouldn't I care more? Shouldn't I show support by offering a comforting comment on her status update? Never mind that we were never more than acquaintances in high school and beyond. I should be emotionally invested in her struggle, right?
• Not being a better friend. Period. My feed was littered with one time super close friends who are now people I still genuinely care for and wish the best for but we just don't have that same connection anymore. That's my fault, right? Surely it is. Never mind that these same people don't make an attempt to connect with me on any significant level, either. And never mind that drifting apart is a normal part of life... somehow I always end up feeling like I am a failure at friendship.
• Not being authentic and "real". I found myself only posting positive or neutral status updates. I couldn't bring myself to be anymore than one dimensional because it just felt unnatural to share all aspects of me on that kind of a forum. And when I don't share all aspects of me I feel like I am lying and lying makes me feel...guilty.
• Clearly, I have some guilt issues to work through. But disabling my Facebook account is so much easier. Of course, I do have some feelings of guilt by not having an active FB account. I'm probably missing out on important life events of people that I do really care about because FB is the only place I would likely hear about those events. But that guilt is a little easier to live with.
• As the year starts to wind down I am reminded that S and I are headed towards our 2nd anniversary. This second year has been SO much better than the first. Not that the first was bad, it's just the second has been way better. I find a lot of comfort in that. I was always afraid of the idea of dying a slow death in the confines of marriage. I love proving myself wrong.
• I am now currently 6 lbs away from being at my "perfect" BMI.
• I miss cookies.
• The cookies are what did me in.