The on and on-ness of it

(I do love Downton Abbey so)

I am one month and four days away from 37. I have been trying to get pregnant again since I was 34. This is getting old. And so am I, apparently.

Though, for what it's worth, I don't feel old at all. But I do feel tired. Emotionally.

I'm struggling a bit lately. I had a canceled cycle due to some oversights on my clinic's part. I actually had to be the one to make the call to stop treatments. I won't go into all the details here - I'm quite tired of talking about it, really - but suffice it to say I am still not where I hoped to be.

Infertility is a drain. And here is a short list of why:

• Florida does not mandate infertility coverage and therefore everything is painfully out of pocket. 
• Florida is also not known for the best options in reproductive endocrinology. I am going to the second rated clinic in the state (with number one being several hours away from me). When I get frustrated with their (lack of) service and clinical skills, I don't have the option of saying "screw you" and making an appointment with another place down the street. I could go out of state for treatment, many women do, but if you are at all familiar with infertility treatments, you know how involved they can be and how much you are at the mercy of your cycle. Going out of state for IVF means spending large chunks of time away from home (not to mention the added cost of hotel stays and airfare). And then when you travel for a living, that becomes even more of a barrier (keep reading).
• There are two Very Important Things you need when going through infertility treatments: Time and Money.
• The money comes from working. While S's salary covers the vast majority of our regular living expenses, my salary goes towards the "extras". And since there is such a hefty price tag attached to treatments when you have zero insurance coverage, it is in our best interest for my salary to be as high as it possibly can be. Thankfully (and eventually I will get to my gratitude list), I have the opportunity to earn decent (relatively speaking) money. But in order to earn this decent (relatively speaking) money, I have to spend a good deal of my time traveling both across and outside of the country. 
• This affects the second Very Important Thing: Time. Due to the unpredictable nature of the female cycle and the limited amount of time I am at home for the long stretches required for various monitoring appointments throughout the cycle... forecasting and scheduling treatments becomes a bit of a nightmare. And when Time is not on your side, and then having to watch as Time marches on as you do your best to earn Money to keep up with treatments... it can all be a little (a lot) stressful. 
• Oh, and stress is not good for conception. So, you know, you also have to work on being stress free while dealing with all of the above. No biggie.

Like I said, this is the short list. 

It's in my personality to look for meaning in everything. And to look for patterns. I am constantly looking for the lesson to be learned in whatever situation I am facing and I am constantly scanning my past to see what patterns are emerging and how I have previously dealt with having an unmet desire. My first instinct is to declare that this is the WORST THING EVER and there is just nothing to compare it to. But the truth is, there have been other situations in my life where I felt hopeless, and lacking control, and as if I would never in a million years reach my desired outcome. And, so far at least, those desired outcomes were all realized. Though never in the time frame I would have liked. The only wisdom I am able to glean from those previous experiences: keep trying and stay grateful. And that's what I plan to do.

The keep trying part includes another appointment today to nail down a protocol for IVF and a plan to prepare myself while I wait for my next travel-free window (end of April/May) to proceed. 

The stay grateful part means lots of reminding myself of the following:

• Infertility can make or break a marriage. I can gratefully (and humbly) say that so far it appears to be making ours. 
• I have made some really great friends through this process. And friendships are what I've been missing over the past few years. 
• Through these great friendships, I have been gifted unused medications totaling over $5,000 which will make IVF a bit more affordable. This is HUGE.
• I have finally found the "good" doctor at my clinic. She is a life saver. She listens and responds and even calls me to ease my mind (she was out of town during this last cycle so totally not her fault). She respects the research I have done on my own and lets me participate in planning protocols. This is a big deal. So much of what I am dealing with is not cut and dry, nor is it and exact science. 
• S and I have found ways to keep life fun in the middle of all of this. If I were doing this on my own, I would have surely crumbled by now. I have learned that I am so much stronger when I have him in my corner.

This is what keeps me going.

Keep Trying.

Stay Grateful.

This is my mantra.